A dream recently brought me to my Grandma’s kitchen.
I was searching in the treat cupboard for the chocolate covered almonds (lovingly called ‘moose turds’) that Grandma always had stashed away.
But, to my dismay, in place of my childhood favorite was one lone avocado.
I touched it and felt its flesh crumble – it was rotten.
When I pulled it out I saw that it was black and moldy on one side yet perfectly ripe on the other.
And, as I stood there the ripe side started to quickly rot.
I was overwhelmed with emotion knowing that I couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t bring it back to life just like I couldn’t bring back my grandparents.
They were gone forever and all that was left was this rotting avocado.
I woke up in a heavy sweat and crying.
My heart felt broken.
Now, in reality my Grandma is suffering with dementia and living in a home.
I haven’t talked with her in over a year and every time I think about calling my chest tightens with anxiety.
The thought of losing her brings up a slew of raw feelings that I’ve constantly been pushing away since her diagnosis.
But here’s the sad truth ~ in not calling Grandma I’m letting her go before she’s actually gone.
Grandpa has passed, but Grandma is here and my fear has created a premature disconnection that’s so unnecessary.
My dear Grandma is the perfectly ripened side of the avocado.
She’s still here, yet fading, and If I don’t get over myself I’ll miss who she is at this stage in her life – which is just as precious and important as it was when she was of sound mind.
I’ve been coaching myself on this for the last few days and what I’ve decided is that I’m willing and fully able to feel all the feelings that’ll come up when I phone her.
It won’t be easy but I choose the hard because having her here is a gift that I don’t want to take lightly or throw away.
My friend, in what areas of your life are you resisting difficult emotions?
Where are you not allowing yourself to truly live?
I guarantee that those areas, although scary, are also the ones that are also the most rich.
As humans we have the capacity to feel any emotion that comes our way. From the deepest grief to the highest form of elation – you can experience it all.
My grandma may not know me or understand me but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still feel all the feelings I’ve ever felt for her along with the sadness in knowing that I’m slowly losing her.
I choose to feel all those feelings – this is what life is all about.
And I offer to you that you can as well.
P.S. Feeling your feelings and living your life to the fullest is not easy – I get it.
I can also help you.
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