My Boyfriend’s Wandering Eye | Ep.19

Chanci Dawn: 00:00:05

This show is about freedom. Freedom from your constant struggle with food and letting the size of your thighs determine your worth. Join me weekly for no whole fat, unfiltered girlfriend kind of conversations that will inspire, teach and empower you. As we tune into our own body's wisdom and tune out of the diet industry lives, we can live our most radiant, pleasurable and fulfilled lives. My name is Chauncey dawn. I'm a non diet nutritionist embodiment and mindset coach. But most importantly, I'm a woman on a mission to grow a deeply connected and conscious relationship with food and my body. And I'm here inviting you to do the same. Let's go.

Chanci Dawn: 00:00:55

Hello, hello, you wonderful woman. Thank you so much for joining me today. Today, I'm going to be sharing something pretty vulnerable. It's actually something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago with my boyfriend I am. And I'm like, it's been very interesting preparing for this podcast, and really working through a lot of the things I've had to in order to be able to come on here and share it with you. Quite a few years ago, one of my mentors said, not to share personal experiences. When you're writing them, right, like, it's really important to do your own work first. And then to post after or to share after, so that people who you are speaking to those people, those women, for me, who you really want to encourage and inspire and support can see the process, right. So we don't want to be sharing all our stuff while we're going through the stuff so to speak, if you're in the coaching realm. So in order to be actually be able to share this with you, I've had to do a lot of internal stuff. I've had to manage my mind a lot. I've had to really feel my emotions and work through things. And what's coming up for me right now, which is really interesting in starting to share this. It's like, is this really that big of a deal? It's so interesting what our brains do, because to me, this was huge. And obviously, I'll explain to you what, what happened. I'll share it with you. But this was huge. This was heartbreaking for me. And a big part of the reason why I've been hesitating and feeling really vulnerable in sharing with you is because I'm like, is she gonna think what the heck like chancy Come on, that's nothing. So I really in this one to encourage you to look for ways that your brain is telling you the same thing, something that is important to you triggers maybe that you're going through stuff you're processing, and watch for that brains voice, that brat brain saying to you, this really isn't that important. You're being silly, right? You're overreacting, whatever it is, because maybe you don't want to like blow it all up and obviously make a big deal. But if it's triggering you, it's real. And it's definitely something that you deserve to look into that you deserve to heal from that you deserve to work through. And so I wanted to start with that because I've had to do a lot of that here in order to be able to come on and share with you. Okay, so now that that's done, let me tell you what happened. So I was at the river with IBM and four of our kids. And this was a huge deal for me, okay, because years ago, well, not even that far back actually, a couple years ago, I wouldn't be caught dead. Sticking myself on one of those tubes right floating down the river all scrunched up in a bikini. I that just feels like oh my goodness. Like what a worse position to be in when you're in your bathing suit flown down a river all scrunched up. Everything is like it's scrunched up at edits worse, right? All the rules are everywhere and all of that. So anyways, a couple years ago, I decided this is so silly. I'm not living fully here. I love floating down the river. I love being in the river in the hot heat. And I really want to do this with my kids. It's something that is really fun in our community to do we have a really good river and I'm like, I don't want to miss out on this anymore. I don't want to be the mom who is feeling too self conscious in her own skin, that I'm standing on the sidelines waiting, right I want to be in it. So I made a conscious decision that this is one of the things that I was going to do. And it really also was a big part of my own journey in this learning how to respect my Oddie, learning how to be at home in the body that I have and live wildly and wildly and free with her. And all the things that we talked about here. So this whole river thing has been a huge part of my journey. It's been a big thing for me and something I'm very, very proud of, because it was a huge accomplishment for me to start floating down the river with my kids. So when I went this time, I was just super excited. We got our tubes, we went to the river, I sat in there. And yeah, everything was like folded all up and absolutely unflattering. But I had a little charge, I remember looking down at my stomach, and there was a little bit of like, Oh, my God, and then I'm like, remember, we're not talking about our body this way anymore. I'm sorry, body, and let's have fun. And instantly, my mindset changed. I start feeling better, and it started getting really fun. Until I noticed my boyfriend, I am looking at a woman on the beach. Okay. And I was watching kind of in disbelief, because I'm like, that's not something he would do. That's so disrespectful, I can't even can't even imagine that this is something that he would do. So I brushed it off. And I was like, Yeah, I think I was mistaken. There's no way there's no way he would have done that. He knows me better than that. And I just I can't even imagine so I brushed it off. But there was that little like feeling of ah, you know, I can't even explain it. But my stomach was just there's this like, knot in it. That's what it was. I can't explain it. There was a knot in my stomach. And I felt I just felt uneasy. But I decided to push it aside and to have fun. So we're floating down the river, we had a great time. It was awesome. And then we get to the end, and we're on the shore. And I'm like, pushing all the air out of our tubes and getting ready to go. And I notice this group of girls coming up. And one woman in particular had what society would deem as the ideal body. And she's she was just innocently having fun with her girlfriends running around. And I looked at my boyfriend. And sure enough, he noticed her. Now noticing is one thing. That's fine, we're human. I noticed her. Everyone noticed her. But he kept looking back. And right now my heart is actually pounding as I'm sharing this with you. So there's definitely still a charge there. But I'm good. We're sharing this. I'm in a place where I can and I actually feel a lot of freedom in it. But you might hear that in my voice because my heart is pounding a little. So he noticed her and I kept watching. And he kept looking back. And it was like he would talk to me he would talk to the kids but he was very distracted by this woman in the red bikini. And then at one point she turned around to walk away with her friends. And he had waited by us before heading out to where he was going to go get the car. And to me my brain was like he waited so he could walk watch her walk away. And I watched him walk watch her walk away. And I seriously, it broke my heart. I felt so frumpy. Right, I was sitting there on this picnic table by that time. With the kids all running around, I and I just felt really frumpy, I felt really unattractive. I felt a lot of disgust for my body, I felt shame. And I felt really angry at him. And, you know, we got up, we did our thing. We walked back to the car and the whole time I was just like, what is happening here? And why am I in this relationship where my partner would so blatantly have wandering eyes at the river. And I started really doubting myself, like, Am I making a big deal about this? Is this normal? Should I expect this? Is this okay? But you know, it didn't feel okay to me. And that's what matters. So that's where I want you to really tune in to your own body, your own experiences. And if something doesn't feel okay to you, even if it feels like it might be silly, bringing it up and working through it. Please honor yourself in this and find someone to talk to it. Whether it be a coach, a therapist, a best friend, just really get the support you need because sometimes it's like when we get that hamster running on the monkey wheel. It's our monkey sorry, the monkey running on the hamster wheel. It's really difficult to be able to see our own brains to see our own thoughts to really understand what's going on.

Chanci Dawn: 00:10:05

I like the saying, like, you can't read the label of your own jar. In this circumstance, I was so triggered that I could not read the label of my own jar, meaning I could not sort my own thoughts. They were so jumbled, they were so wrapped up in all of this different emotion, that I really, really, really did need to process it properly. So I did, I talked to someone, and I really, really felt I felt everything coming up for me.

Chanci Dawn: 00:10:48

Okay, so now I want to explain to you the process that I went through, to be able to get to where I'm at right now in sharing this where there's still that charge. But it's not like making me just feel like I want to break up with him and cry. Okay. So if you remember, go back to Episode 14. If you haven't listened to that already, please go back and listen to it, because I'm going to be referring to that tool in this session.

Chanci Dawn: 00:11:15

Because I'm going to be referring to that tool in this episode. And this tool is all about really tuning in and understanding the different voices in our head. We call them food voices, but they're also like body image voices. These are the different voices that you have, habitually, as well as ones that you can cultivate, that you can grow and call on. To be able to work through this stuff and be able to take care of yourself having your own back. That's what's important here. And these voices are massive. They're a beautiful tool for this because they do actually help you read the label on your own jar. So the first voice that I want to chat about here is the brat brain. In this circumstance, my brat brain was screaming at me, she was so triggered. And if you remember from previous episodes, the brat brains job, she is absolutely wired to look for evidence that you are not safe, and to look for threats so that she can keep you safe. She keeps us playing small girls remember this that brat brain means well, but she does not serve us because she keeps us in the diet culture. She keeps us playing small. She keeps us hiding. She keeps us believing our own lies. This is what she does. And in this circumstance, she was looking for evidence that I was not good enough that I was not pretty that I was not fit or sexy enough that I was too big to be attracted to I am. I was frumpy and too much a mom, that was a very interesting that thing that came to me, right this girl who he was so interested in, she was running around and screeching and playing and having so much fun, very, very playful. And I sat there with the kids, with them running and trying to deal with them. And I just felt like a really like washed up frumpy mom, for lack of better words, which is a hard thing to feel because Oh, no one wants to feel that way. So yes, not desirable, and the thought he's settling with me. And he's actually not happy. He's not pleased. That was a huge part of this feeling like he was settling for me. So as you can tell all of my feelings of not enough and have too much. And all of that shame. Were right there. And my brain was like, See, see, you aren't good enough. See, he he is settling. See, he does want someone else. Right? This is all evidence of what you used to believe to be true. So my brain was like, let's bring those thoughts back as truth. Let's bring those back so that you play safe, so that you stay on the shore so that you no longer go in the tube and playing with your kids. And it also made me go screw that I'm not going to the river at all anymore. I'm not going to the pool. I'm not even going to go camping. Because we'll go we'll be at a lot of different water spaces. And I'm going to have to wear a bathing suit. So my brain went from that circumstance and brought me all the way to ruining my entire summer for myself. Really, that's what it would have done. So thank goodness I know what the brat brain does, right? So I was able to pull back here. And I started to really think about my growth and what I want to believe and what I choose to believe and questioned I started to question all of Those things that my brat brain was saying, okay, but this is what was interesting. In this circumstance. I didn't go from questioning what my brat brain was saying to Oh, okay, I have compassion and in this curiosity, and I'm okay. And I feel good. And I forgive I am. And we can just have this nice, beautiful talk about it and whatever moving forward. No, that did not happen to here. So I, again, I want you to listen to this, to be encouraged that you are human. If any of this sounds familiar, if sometimes you're like, Oh, my God, I'm doing this work, but it's so flippin hard. And things set me back, and I'll think I'm doing well. And then all of a sudden, you know, one little circumstance, and then I'm, like, ruining my entire summer for myself. So it might not be the same circumstance that I have experienced, but it can be something else. So listen to this, listen to my own story, but make it really, really meaningful to you by correlating it with your own story. Okay. So the brat brain came in screaming at me. And I tried to listen to her. And I tried to question but you know what, that rebel brain was so strong. And this rebel brain did two things. She was very, very, very, very interesting in this, I noticed her number one have the thought like, well, you know what, screw him. I'm not going to care about what I eat. And I'm going to eat all the things and I'm just going to let myself go, I'm going to stop doing this work of honoring my body. Because it obviously doesn't freakin matter. So this was a huge rebel brain moment. And it's very, very similar to, you know, when you're on a diet, and then you're like, Screw it, I can't do this. I'm going to eat all the things. Okay. And of course, this is like, rebelling from the diet culture. And we get to flip that by go, no, no, no, I'm not going to eat all the things. I'm going to start tuning in and honoring my body. Right. So when we can get on to that rebel bring, and we can start really seeing what she's saying. And why then again, we can question that, and then we can choose what is serving to us. So the next thing that my rebel brain did, because I nipped that one in the bud, I was like, Okay, you are you? No, absolutely not. We are not just going to self sabotage, you know, the love and care that we have for our wonderful body by saying screw it just because our boyfriend checked out other women on the beach like, No, that is not happening rebel brain. So she quiet down pretty fast. But then this was one that really, I was like, wow, okay, this is this is a strong one. So then her thought was, you know what, then screw embodied eating. And it was like, I'm going to going too fast. And I'm going to restrict myself. And I'm going to really watch every little thing that I eat, and literally work my ass off, and then I'll show him right, then I'll be sexy, then I'll be this. And it was such a like, shocking thing that that was so strong in me. It made me question everything, including this podcast, and my entire career. Because it was so strong, I was about to go and order this cleanse and and like, just get right back into the diet mentality, the diet mode. And it's so interesting, because this desire was so strong, this craving to die, it was so strong. Even though I know all the science, I know that 97% of diets fail. I know that the fastest way to gain weight is by dieting in the first place. I know what my body has gone through, and the ups and downs and the punishment and the yo yo that it has experienced over the years. But still, because my brat brain was screaming not enough at me. I started to sink back into those to the diet industries lives. And this was a round I would say four days of being here and it felt like a wrestling match. It felt like this is pretty extreme to say this but like a dark night of the soul. Okay, because it really did make me question absolutely everything. And thank goodness, thank goodness I have these voices. I have this tool to be able to work through because this is when I knew that I had to stop and then I had to drop into the nurturer. It's so easy when our brains start yelling at us in this Brett rebel brain isn't linking arms with the brat brain and it's going out of control. And we're just like, ah, not trusting our own selves not trusting our own bodies. It's so easy to judge that. And to go into the shame spiral for that too, especially if you've been doing this work for a while. And even though you know, it's nonlinear, it's so easy to get stuck in that, like, I suck mode in this kind of circumstance. So I intentionally sunk into the nurturer. And this is when the shift the healing started to happen. And what I did is I sat down on the floor, and I put my hands on my heart, actually, it was a little bit like, I'm doing it right now a little bit of brown, my just on my chest, both hands just below my neck. It that feels very comforting to me. And I was like, It's okay, sweetheart.

Chanci Dawn: 00:20:54

It's okay that you feel this way. It's okay that you're in pain. What's going on for you more? Let's welcome it. And with that, nurturer, I then dropped into the observer. And I went into my body. And I really want to remind you that this took like four or five days for me to get here. This process is not easy. It's not always like, okay, here we go, boo, boo, boom, now I'm going to body leader. No, this is it every single moment every single day showing up for yourself and choosing you. Even when it's so painful, you just want to throw it all in the trash and walk away. Okay, so when I was dropped into this observer, so this is the other voice. So my observer noticed, like, what's going on here, and my observer noticed that I had a pit in my stomach, tightness in my chest, and a well of tears built up behind my eyes, and I started crying. And I wrote in my journal, this sucks. I am so hurt, I am crushed. I don't know if I can trust him. I don't know if I can be in this relationship. I don't know if I want to ever be in a relationship. And it seems extreme. But this was what was there. So I wanted to honor it. I wanted the observer to just be like, Yeah, bring it on. And linking arms with the nurturer going, whatever is there is okay. Whatever is coming up for you is welcome. So, this pit in my stomach, like, oh, feeling this pit of my stomach is swirling around. It's green. It feels like different than nausea, but almost like nausea. And then ask myself, can I welcome this? Can I feel it more. And I would do this i hunched over and I rocked. And I moaned, and I felt this more.

Chanci Dawn: 00:22:54

This is the process of feeling and processing your emotions, movement, sound, welcoming, feeling, allowing, I love the saying that the only way out of any motion is through it. And I had to go through this in order to be able to get to the other side. And we can try to mindset ourselves, and we can try to question our thoughts and create new beliefs. And yes, that is a powerful tool mindset. Coaching is powerful, and I do it. But it's missing such an integral part. And that is the embodiment that is going in and feeling what's there and moving through it. We are taught to think positively and to look on the bright side and to buffer things away through food, sex, Netflix, whatever it is, just to feel better. Now I'm asking you to actually go where you feel worse, and welcome it. Because on the other side of that is the truth. It's the freedom that you deserve. This is called having your own back, my friend. And it's hard, but it is so freeing when you do this. So yes, I sat on my bathroom floor, crying and moaning and moving my body and feeling this deep, deep, deep emotion. And on the other side of that, I found out that my main emotions that I was experiencing are anger, sadness and shame. So anger at the objectification of women, it just boiled up in me when I actually realized like, holy man, this is so much more than me right now. Right? This is a trigger, but at the core of me is such a like anger at how women and our bodies are objectified. And the fact that my own person my boyfriend would do that. At the river, it really, really hurt at a deep core. And then the other thing was sadness, okay, sadness for all of my own lived experiences, sadness for all the women's lived experiences sadness for the times that I missed out on the river with my kids and sadness for the fact that I almost let this stop me from doing it more. So yes, deep sadness in that. And then the last one was shame. So what came up for me around this and why I felt such shame is because I realized that I felt really jealous of this woman, I saw her come up, and I noticed her body. And I knew, no matter what I do, no matter like, what surgery I got, no matter how restrictive I am, no matter how much I fast no matter what I could never actually be there. And I really felt jealousy for this. But because I felt it because I allowed myself to go there. And I welcomed and I got curious. And I was in that observer role from a place of nurturing myself. I moved through it all. And I processed it, and I felt it. And I can honestly say those emotions are no longer there. Isn't that so beautiful? Isn't that just such a gift that we can give ourselves by actually allowing ourselves to go there, really, really hope that that encourages you. Now, what was really neat is after I did all of this, and there was a bit of fighting stuff, but I, I was able to talk to him. And we had a beautiful conversation. And he didn't fully understand where I was coming from. And that's okay. He's his own person and his own life and his own growth and his own choices. And my job in here is to take care of myself is to have my own back. I wrote this down in my notes here, we can't control others, we can only love ourselves through it, and know that we can have our own back no matter what. And by tuning into these different voices. And by processing the emotion and loving myself through it, I was able to do that. And what was really beautiful. And what I'm so grateful for is that I am actually I asked him and he gave me permission to share this on my podcast, which is really, really giving and so vulnerable. So I thank him for that I am in so much gratitude, that this is the man that I'm doing life with right now. Because Wow, thank you how, how amazing is that? That he would be open to me sharing all of this with you. So there we go, my friend. That is today's episode. I really hope that it encouraged you in your humaneness that it taught you how to work through this stuff, how to actually use this one tool I taught you about the voices again, go back and listen to it in Episode 14. And get a refresher because this is a really, really powerful tool when you use it. And I hope that I really inspired you to process your emotions not to sit in them for to you know, just let them linger I mean, and not to buffer them away. You do not need to you have what it takes, you can feel it and you can grow from it on the other side. Have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week. Take care